It's Crunch Time

and I can't sleep. Sixteen days before we clear out of the house. Sixteen days before they come and pick up our POD. Sixteen days before we ship our Explorer out. Sixteen days. Where did the time go? It went by so fast and I am sitting here in a pile of boxes, wrapping paper and bubble wrap wondering if I used the time wisely.

I know quitting my job was the right thing to do. Taking care of Brian and watching him change right before my eyes was the right thing to do. Finishing the quilts that had been lying around for a few years was the right thing to do. Hanging out with my dogs was definitely the right thing to do. I have packed a lot of stuff during all of this (I still have so much to pack) and I have given away a ton of things to people who will get use out of them. This was the right thing to do.

What I want to do is stop packing and stay right here. I am scared to leave my daughter here. I am scared of how I will feel the first day I know I won't be seeing my grand baby, Brian. I am scared of how broken my heart really will be. I love him so much and everyday time I am with him, I feel so fortunate to be in his life. I am scared he won't remember me in a month or two. I am scared that he will not know how much I miss and love him.

I bought web cams for my daughter and me so we could talk on the Internet and I could see my beautiful grandson Brian. I know it will help, but I am scared nonetheless. I bought her a video camera and gave her my digital camera, but I am still afraid of losing the closeness I have with her and Brian. I want to be brave, I am trying to be brave, but I am still so scared.

While I have tried to move forward with this life event and in the course it has made me nostalgic for the past. For one thing, I have thought of my dad more in the last few months than I have since he died. I'm not saying that I haven't thought of him and missed him every day he's been gone, but I have remembered things he said, times we shared and I miss him so much more. I think this is happening because I don't want to miss another person, because I miss him so terribly.

I remember studying stress and its physiological affects on us. Death, moving, becoming a young grandmother while watching your young daughter become a mom, empty nest, etc., are all considered major life events, which can take their toll on the human body. It's been a rough couple of years. I really need to get a grip on my life and get to accepting that for now, this is where my life is heading. To Kentucky. By the way, I am scared to move (first time in my life).